What kind of women do we need to become before marriage?
The last post I published was 8 Things to Look for in a Future Husband. While the future marriage topic is still “hot” here on the blog, I wanted to follow up the “husband post” with 8 thing a young woman needs to become before marriage. Once again the list to follow is my personal list… the things I know I need to be working on and cultivating in my heart and life. I don’t know very much about marriage yet…. but I do know many of the things that the Bible has to say about love and marriage. After reading this post, I would encourage you to study the Bible, talk to godly wives, and read good (biblically sound) books so that you too, can determine what kind of a woman you want to become before marriage.
I fall very short from many of the things on this list… but it’s a good starting place (it is by no means a perfect and complete list – I could add many more things!)
At the end of this post I am sharing the Biblical responsibilities of a wife. It’s the “companion” list to the 7 Biblical Responsibilities of a Husband that I shared in my previous “husband post.” You can read that post right here.
8 Things A Young Woman Must Become Before Marriage
1) a Woman Who Walks with God
I struggle with this… honestly I do. I want God and His Word to be first in my life but so often I let other things come before my time with Him. If marriage is God’s will for my life, I need to make sure I am spiritually strong. I need to have a close walk with God and I need to know what His Word (the Bible) says. I also need to know how to apply the Bible to my life. This will help me in every area of my life -not just marriage! A missionary lady once told me that my husband WILL disappoint me but God never will. I need to become a woman who walks with God, knows His word and applies it!
2) A Woman Who Is Submissive
I have heard about Biblical submission long enough to know that it’s a big thing in marriage. I know that a wife is supposed to submit to her husband’s leadership and the decisions he makes. I also have no way of knowing how hard this may be someday. One way I can practice Biblical submission is by submitting to the authority of my parents, my pastor, my teachers, and other people who have authority over me. Because I am commanded to submit to the leadership of my future husband (Eph. 5:22-23, and 1 Peter 3:5-6). I need to become a woman who submits.
3) A Woman Who Is Respectful
After reading Motivating Your Man, God’s Way I now see that respect for your husband is huge. Husbands are commanded to love their wives (Eph. 5:25) but a wife is commanded to reverence (respect) her husband (Eph. 5:33). My future husband needs respect. Whether he deserves is or not, I am to respect my future husband because that is what God commands. It’s God’s way. Yes, this is completely opposite from what the world tells us. In our minds, people must earn our respect. As a wife, I will need to learn how to respect my husband whether he has earned it or not. I can practice this by respecting my dad, my brothers, and my male friends. I must become a woman who is respectful.
4) A Woman Who Loves Unconditionally
Proverbs says that “love covereth all sins” (Prov. 10:12). My future husband will be a sinner just like me, and he is going to be just as imperfect as I am. In order to overlook his faults and imperfections I will need to put on love, continually and unconditionally. While in many ways, respect is more important than love (to a man) I will still need to love him… and keep loving him no matter what. I can practice unconditional love now by unconditionally loving the people in my life… first of all, my family, then my friends, and other acquaintances. I must become a woman who loves unconditionally, no matter what, like Christ.
5) A Woman Who is Patient
I really struggle with patience, and I know I am not alone. However, the Bible says in 1 Corinthians 13 that love “suffereth long” and “beareth all things”. In order to be a loving wife, I will need to be patient and long suffering. I cannot let little (or big!) annoyances try my patience. I will need to be loving and patient. I can practice this now by being patient with my family members, with the children I babysit and the people I interact with each day. I need to become a woman who is patient.
6) A Woman Who Is Faithful
Once I say “I do” I will be committed to that one man till “death do us part” (see 1 Cor. 7:39). This will require faithfulness… physically, emotionally, and mentally. God created marriage to be one man and one woman for life. I can begin to cultivate faithfulness now by saving myself physically, mentally, and emotionally for my future husband. Before marriage I must become a woman who is faithful.
7) A Woman Who is Content
When (or shall I say, if?) I get married, I am going to need contentment. I will need to be content with my husband, our finances, our home, our family situation, our possessions, etc. Being discontent in any of those areas will be a burden and a grief to my husband. There may be a lot of things I face in marriage that could make me discontent… I need to learn contentment now! I can learn contentment now by being content with: my possessions, my job, my relationship status, etc. Contentment is something I can learn (Phil. 4:11). Before marriage I must become a woman of contentment.
8) A Woman Who Is Hardworking and Diligent
As a wife, I will be the keeper of the home (Titus 2:5). I sincerely hope I can be a stay at home wife and mother. That (in all honesty) is my “dream job”. I know stay-at-home moms are looked down upon in our culture and society, however, it is the most important job any woman could have! In order to be a good keeper of the home (whether I will work outside of my home, or not) I will need to be hardworking and diligent. It will be my duty to look well to the ways of my household and to work willingly with my hands (Proverbs 31). I can learn to be a hardworking, and diligent woman now. Whatever my hands find to do, I can ask the Lord to help me do it with all my might (Ecc. 9:10). Becoming a hardworking and diligent woman will help me in the future when I must care for a husband, a home, and a family. Before marriage I must become a hardworking and diligent woman.
There is Still So much more
In many ways this list feels so incomplete. I didn’t even mention becoming a woman who is meek and quiet (1 Peter 3:3-4), or becoming a woman who is thoughtful, kind, disciplined, and so much more! However, I am sure this list gives you an idea of the kind of women we need to become in preparation for marriage.
Following is a shorter list of the biblical responsibilities of the wife. This was a list given to me (you can read the responsibilities of the husband in this post).
The Responsibilities of the Wife
(A List Given to Me)
- To be a suitable helper to her husband (Gen. 2:18)
- To be a companion to her husband (Gen. 2:18; Mal. 2:14)
- To develop unity with her husband (Gen. 2:24)
- To reverence her husband (Eph. 5:33)
- To love her husband (Titus 2:4)
- To submit to her husband (Eph. 5:22-24)
- To give physical love to her husband (1 Cor. 7:3-5)
Related Post: 12 Ways to Prepare for Marriage – Even if you’re single!
I Would Love to Know
- What things do you think I should have added to this list?
- Which things on this list do you need to work on the most?
Feel free to leave your answers in the comments below! I ♥ reading comments from my readers!
This is a great list! The first one is really important, it reminds me of being a “growing Christian.” It’s one thing to say you’re “strong in the Lord,” but along with the 1st point on the “husband post,” we must be constantly growing as well. A future husband will only find all of these traits in a “growing Christian,” not one who is “content where she’s at, and has all the answers.” Part of being a growing Christian is “willing to accept correction from others,” as in the 8th point in the husband post, which goes along with being submissive and respectful in this post. It’s really something how many of the things the Bible talks about is supposed to be “mutual,” from what is revealed to me in my studies. God’s intent for the home isn’t supposed to be a “power trip” by any means, it’s actually to be free with one another, and to feel confident in each other. Being hardworking, diligent and content can be shown in many ways, even if it means being silent when you’re not totally ok with something…it’s hard work not to say anything 🙂 Great, valuable post!
Thank you for sharing!! The first one is definitely the most important. When we are walking in a right relationship with God, many of these other things will fall into place. It’s the starting point for all these other traits!!
Do you think between the two posts that these ideas are something that should be practiced during courtship? If so, do you have examples of ways they should be practiced during courtship? Besides my ideas, it’s always interesting to hear someone else’s point of view. 🙂
Since the time before marriage is not marriage, there are some differences. The two smaller lists with 7 points each are mostly not fully relevant. A young lady is still under her father’s authority (at least nominally if she’s no longer at home, I would think? for example, wouldn’t he ideally approve the courtship even if she’s independent?). So for this reason, and also because they’re not married and handling things jointly yet, the obedience/submission that Scripture outlines for wives does not seem fully applicable yet. (I’m not sure if I put this exactly right; correction is welcome!!) And of course if major problems arise or if one/both of the couple senses that marriage is not God’s will, the relationship CAN be broken.
But other than that, I think that we can apply nearly everything in the two main posts during courtship already, and for most of these traits, Rebekah has already shared some practical ways they should be evident in us. Respect during courtship and engagement is one trait I had some specific thoughts about, though. Would you all agree that it should be shown at a level even higher than we would demonstrate to every other Christian brother in Christ, since courtship and engagement are intended to lead to marriage? Some thoughts I had on how to show this increased respect included learning how he reasons, learning what frustrates him, being available to listen when he needs encouragement, avoiding sharing his confidences with my girl friends, and spending time in prayer for him specifically. These are all things that we can’t do to the same extent (or at all!) with every other brother in Christ, because they do forge a bond. And while all this isn’t necessarily the fun we like envisioning—it’s part of what will hold the future marriage together. True love = sacrifice. 🙂
Did this help answer your question?
That’s a great point Emily! You did answer a lot of them!
I agree, ideally father’s should approve, there are exceptions depending on the girl’s situation. However that submission isn’t to be under a “boyfriend,” as it is a husband, and likewise a girlfriend isn’t entitled to freely give all opinions either.
I guess what I was more curious about is because these lists are for a future marriage, I wasn’t so sure if there was really a way to get involved in telling him how he should be doing things, because I agree that couples have a line that they can’t cross during courtship because they still live at home. You don’t submit to a boyfriend and guys don’t really change for a girlfriend. So there’s definitely some unknown things that you will not know exactly how it will be worked out before marriage. I agree with you…you are really just left to observe during courtship, not to actively get involved… I think at times the only real respect that you can show during courtship is to know when to be a listening ear, and know when to bite your tongue. You can give opinions when asked, but it seems your idea is sort of like mine, it’s mainly about holding back and just watching … I see what you’re saying, that if what you see by just “watching” isn’t what you’re looking for (because you can’t and shouldn’t change someone)…then it can be broken, and time to move on because a courtship CAN be broken.
I also like the idea of avoiding sharing confidences with girlfriends (or anyone for that matter.) That’s something to be practiced for a marriage as well. It’s not fair to “air the dirty laundry” to anyone, about a boyfriend or husband, nor should we about our brothers or sisters in Christ. That’s definitely a practice for anyone! I like the way you think! 🙂
Great thoughts, girls!
During courtship a young woman is definitely still under the authority of both parents (esp. the father) and will be until she says “I Do.” Pre-courtship is the best time to observe a young man’s actions, but of course, a young lady will continue “observing” all throughout the courtship period. Couples typically begin a courtship with the intent of marriage, however not every courtship will lead to marriage -as already stated 🙂
I think during courtship, a couple should spend a lot of time discussing matters -such as convictions, life goals, standards, etc. Most of the things on the list above can be put into practice during courtship. As for submission… depending on what it is, she could begin doing this during courtship (as long as the final authority is still her father). It would probably just depend on the individuals and what they are discussing etc. She could begin practicing submission by allowing him to take the lead in their times together… letting him have the final say in what he would like to do, where he would like to go (providing he is wise and discreet in these matters). Does that make sense? She should also allow him to take the lead in spiritual matters (although it’s certainly okay to encourage him in these areas). A young woman can most definitely practice being respectful during a courtship. She can definitely learn how to be content, patient, and loving, during courtship as well. Although I’m sure these things come a lot easier during courtship vs. post wedding 🙂
I should have clarified… most of the things on the first list can be applied during courtship. Only some of the things can be applied from the second list (during courtship). I hope this isn’t getting too confusing? 🙂
Oh that’s fine Rebekah, I was only referring to the first list.
Ok, I agree with some discussions during courtship. At what point do you personally feel we can cross boundaries or overstep, and become disrespectful during courtship?
Like what matter should we stay out of and not involve ourselves?
Another good question… I will try to answer as best I can – although asking your parents or pastor the same question might be a good idea as well! I think it’s very important to be open and honest during courtship. It’s only fair for both parties. During courtship a couple should discuss: personal convictions, life goals, how they deal with/handle anger, future family goals, finances, beliefs regarding God and His Word (you want to be on the same page or you will have a hard time when it comes to teaching your children!) etc. You don’t want to get to engagement and then find out you and your boyfriend don’t have the same beliefs or convictions. Of course you may not agree 100% on everything but it’s important to be on the same page in the categories of family, religion and finances. These are three BIG areas! In order to be respectful… watch your tone of voice, facial expressions, etc. Any form of contempt is disrespectful. We should always remember to be kind and loving (even when mentioning things that upset us or that we don’t agree with). Does that help answer your question? Of course, I am not an expert! However I do hope this helps somewhat?
I agree with having discussions! But it seems as though Megan is wondering if we can become actively involved if we don’t like something that our boyfriend is doing.
1. It’s very important to know things ahead of time, but I think the discussions should happen and then not continue if the differences cannot be resolved. Because at that point it isn’t fair to the other person either to be persistently pushing them to be/do things that they aren’t. And just like everyone says “a courtship CAN be broken,” and at that point, that’s the right thing to do.
2. If two can’t agree on family goals, jobs, how things are to be handled, and finances, and spiritual matters there is no reason to constantly be bringing up those subjects to the other telling them they need to change and do better, we must remember that God made that person perfect for someone else down the road. So ladies, we mustn’t continuously pressure a boyfriend. We need to caution ourselves in how frequently these discussions arise, because we aren’t “entitled” to try and manipulate our boyfriends (we shouldn’t do that as a wife either, but it’s more common for a wife to have a bit more say in certain things than a girlfriend.) So be respectful and cautious, and know when to move on because at that point, neither is good for the other, and when God made a help meet it was a “good thing” …Genesis 2:18 “And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.”…But He also said in Proverbs 21:9 “It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman in a wide house.” So God cautions men with what to look for as well, and we must remember when we are trying to be a woman like this list, not to take it to a level of being out of line, there is a saying of “too much of a good thing,” relating to this in a way of, don’t come across as manipulating him and excusing yourself by twisting Scripture in to back yourself up when you get out of line. But I agree with Rebekah on having discussions and being open before engagement. Hope this helps! 🙂
Thanks so much for your input, January! This was helpful to me as well 🙂
Rebekah:
You said in a reply to the above article that single women should be submissive their parents? What if they live far from home and have their own job? How would that concept apply? Would the women have to contact her parents via phone, emsil for permission to make a big purchase or date a coworker?
Hi Ivette,
As unmarried daughters we must remain submissive to our parents, however much of this article was written to single women still living under their parents roofs. I think a daughter should still honor her parents, but if she is no longer living at home than she would not need to consult her parents before making minor decisions. When it comes to dating a young man, I would encourage a young woman to seek counsel from her parents and making even about taking a certain job. Hope this clarifies things a bit.
I should also clarify that those two scriptures are to be compared with a good thing and a bad thing. They’re not from the same book or chapter of the Bible, but in cross referencing they should be taken seriously and prayerfully, that as a young woman you watch what you’re doing, because you can become a bad thing to a boyfriend or husband if you don’t. Don’t be the one that constantly pushes him to anger, if you’re looking for someone who doesn’t get “angry,” because trying someone’s patience in that manner is not a fair “trial” for a courtship…
January, thanks for both of your comments!!! You brought up some great points (I really liked your remark about how if a courtship needs to be broken, “God made that person perfect for someone else down the road.” His plans are perfect and higher than ours, even when we find them painful!) 🙂 Anyway I think your thoughts round out the topic of discussion’s place in courtship nicely—there are limits to how far it can go and what it can accomplish, the same as after marriage. There are things that our pushing and nagging won’t ever fix, either because they’re actual personality traits or because they’re deep-seated sin issues that only the Holy Spirit can address.
By the way, rereading your first comment reminded me of a wry observation someone made once (unfortunately I can’t remember who): men go into marriage hoping their wives will never change, while ladies go into marriage planning how they can improve/fix their husbands!
Obviously it’s a generalization, but it made me think… and determine that I really don’t want to be that kind of wife someday! Respect needs temper our words and actions from day one! 🙂
Emily that’s a very good point! It’s a very selfish mindset to go into a courtship or marriage, determined to change your boyfriend or husband. They don’t want to change us! I also feel that it can mar your testimony as a Christian, to become the nagging girlfriend, (or wife,) but in case of a broken courtship, the most Christ like way to act is to just know and accept that God has a greater plan for the two, that they cannot see yet. And when you let poor behavior creep in, and start nagging and letting manipulation start, it brews bitter feelings, that end up making a girl look like she over steps boundaries and as if she doesn’t have self control. it’s just an unbecoming image as a Christian in general, Because others watch you, it’s a bad testimony as we claim to be a Christian lady. So we are just better off keeping discussions to a minimum (not nagging, and knowing when things aren’t agreeable, ) just to move on, and not become too active in matters. There isn’t any point in giving them guidelines to measure up to, if they aren’t “made for you,” and you have to push them to “meet your standards. ” They don’t do that to us, so we should be respectful and meek as well. 🙂 i hope this helps
I also noticed about getting advice from your parents and Pastor…ultimately the relationship is God first, then you and your boyfriend or husband. So just as your marriage would have privacy from parents, other friends and acquaintances knowing every detail and frustration, a courtship deserves some of that respect as well. Over involvement of parents and other friends results in issues. And parents are also biased and will often times agree with their child or young adult, and can even jump on the band wagon of picking on their daughters boyfriend, and then it can become all against one person. It’s not always fair to the boyfriend to have everyone involved. Maybe parent involvement should be more on the lines of directing you on what to look for, but they should be staying out of the situation itself, as in not approaching the boyfriends side of things. No one but a girlfriend really should approach him about goals, finances, and things like that. If he isn’t meeting her standards, she must explain and leave. Too many people involved in a relationship is a disaster waiting to happen. We must respect that boundary as well. That’s my personal opinion, I guess I am just more reserved with that, and I never jumped to tell my parents about every disagreement. Because it was between me and him. Telling other people would’ve just blown the situation up to something it didn’t have to be. So you can always ask for advice from parents or a Pastor on how to handle yourself in a tough spot. Since Megan seemed to refer to active involvment, i dont think your parents or Pastor should “step in,” persay. Be that respectable woman and make sure your motives and mindset are right, that getting other people involved isn’t your way of manipulation by “out numbering ” your boyfriend in disagreements to try and force his hand.
Good thoughts!! We definitely need to pick and choose who gets involved. Personally, I want to have my parents involved in different matters. It’s wise to have multiple counselors but at the same time you are right… too many people involved can be a problem as well! Thank you for bringing that out!
I agree we can have counselors, but I sort of think that your counsel period should have mostly been before you started courting. If you need constant counseling to get you through courting to engagement, and a girls parents and Pastors have to constantly get involved and pressure the boyfriend, then the girl isn’t ready to court. She needs to be able to stand on her own two feet, set her standards, go back and forth with her boyfriend, and end things if they aren’t what she wants in him. It doesn’t go God>parents, Pastors & other counselors>boyfriend and girlfriend…Seek God>courtship. I don’t disregard a parents personal opinion to a girl. I just feel it shouldn’t get involved in the middle of a couple who is actively seeking God’s will. We have to watch that. A boyfriend is looking for a relationship with a wife, he doesn’t want “everyone and their mother” (literally in some cases which hasn’t been unheard of,) involved and pushing between him trying to get to know her with God as the head of their relationship. So it depends on the type of counsel. They really shouldn’t get involved with him in that manner.
I totally agree on discussing things before courtship! That is what I plan to do… I believe it would be much harder to work through things when you are already courting vs. before you begin a courtship. Thank you for your thoughts… It is helpful! 🙂
This definitely convicted me! Thanks so much for sharing Rebekah. I wrote a post on my blog (chroniclesinbloom.wordpress.com) and added a link to this post. Thank you so much again for your Godly guidance and encouraging posts! I always look forward to getting them in my email! 😊 ❤️
Hi Abbie, I hope the post was helpful to you! Thank you so much for sharing the link! 🙂 I am so glad to have you a part of my blog! ♥
Wow, there is a lot I need to work on!!! I have been trying to study the Proverbs 31 woman more … and now I’ll study the list that you gave at the end of this post. 🙂
I totally agree! It’s never too early to prepare to be a wife! After all, your future husband may be on the lookout for a Godly woman right now! I could definitely improve a heap in all these areas! I absolutely love the Proverbs 31 woman, and I really enjoy studying that passage!
Thanks so much Rebekah, I am very glad you made a ladies post too! I think we often forget that at the same time we have the list made out of what we want in a godly husband, the guys have lists for what they want in a wife too! 🙂
Another thing I would say is a biggie would be for a young woman to be capable – able to cook, clean, and run a household smoothly. And if we don’t learn now, then we are in BIG trouble when we have our own households in the future!
I think another thing that we should do before marriage is to talk to older married women a lot. I’m not exactly sure what age would be appropriate for this, but doing it before courtship is crucial. We need to ask the married women for wisdom and instruction and ask them for advice on what type of young lady we need to be growing into. We need to be asking them for their lists, like the one Rebekah made above. Is there anything they would have wished they had learned before marriage? The time to ask them this is not when we are in a courtship, but before!
And I just wanted to add, I love reading your discussions on these topics – it is very encouraging and I learn a lot from reading y’all’s thoughts on this! 🙂
~Grace
Hi Grace,
Thanks for leaving a comment… and you are so right! It is very important to know homemaking skills – men want a wife who can cook and care for the home. And yes, talking to older married women is GREAT. I learn so much talking and listening to them -I need to much more of it too! It’s a great way to learn and it’s biblical (Titus 2).
Thanks for sharing!
Rebekah
Rebekah,
I love this post. I got married about 2 months ago and am so optimistic about our future together. Reading through this amazing list of verses about marriage only confirms my belief that we have what it takes. I just started a blog that i intend to be a general guide to life, and i’m so happy to see other young wives out there focusing on the success of their marriages rather than material successes.
– Alicia (Ladybug)
Beautiful post. So important for young ladies to understand where God wants us to be before marrying so we can honor our husband and Him for sucha blessing as a marriage.
Thank you so much, Carmen!
Not just love your husband but become his lover. So many “Christian” women love their husbands and yet withhold the one thing that really shows him. And it is crushing their souls.
Hi Rebekah, these tips and questions are very good to approach my girlfriend. Thanks for sharing these tips and questions. Keep Updating.
You’re welcome!
Hello! Great list!
I would like to add that a Wife is to pray for and spiritually cover her husband consistently.
Thanks!
Yes! Thanks for sharing!
Remember, unconditional love is truth. If you know what biblical love is then you know what I’m getting at. So both of you have to be completely honest if if it’s an uncomfortable topic (that all marriages have. The problem today is too many people don’t realize love is a choice and they think it’s all about feelings. Talking about these uncomfortable truths will inevitably keep you together so long you both keep Yah first). All great points in this. My 20 year old estranged daughter of 10 years is engaged and I was looking for some materials for her. I don’t believe she’s saved, she believes in Yah but I’m hoping with my guidance, she’ll genuinely call on Yeshua. Thank you for the article! Shalom
Question , if an older widow is thinking of remarriage , whose authority is she under if she has no male relatives ?
And no , her church doesn’t have a pastor