Hey Friends,
Today I am tackling your modesty questions! Please read this article with an open heart and mind. Also, please remember that the goal of every Christian should be to wear clothing that pleases the Lord, separates them from the world, and keeps them modestly covered.
Thank you to everyone who sent me their modesty questions. I hope this post will answer your questions!
Modesty Questions and Answers
Q: Do you think there is a double standard when it comes to modesty? If so, what advice would you give us to help encourage our brothers in Christ to also follow a modesty policy?
The Biblical concept of modesty is for both men and women. However, because men are affected by immodesty more than women, it is especially important for women to embrace modesty. In the 1 Timothy 2:9-10, Paul specifically encourages the women (not the men) to adorn themselves in modest apparel. We as women typically have a harder time with this. We can encourage the men in our lives to dress appropriately by praying for them and dressing modestly ourselves (we must always deal with our self first!). If you continually see a problem with the way young men are dressed around you (at home or church), you can take your concerns to someone in authority (parents, pastor, teachers) to see if they can address the issue with the young men.
Q: What clothing would you suggest for being active outside—particularly bike riding?
There are exercise skirts available for running and playing sports. Although you would be surprised how many activities you can do in a loose and modest skirt.
In the past I have worn culottes for bike riding. My culottes look like a pleated skirt but they are split in the middle. However, I know many women (including my mom!) who go bike riding in a loose, calf-length skirt. It is possible!
Q: What length of skirts and dresses have you determined to be modest?
The Bible tells us that revealing the thighs is associated with shame and nakedness (Exodus 28:42). Therefore our clothing should definitely come below the thighs. The best rule of thumb is not to wear anything that comes above the knee when standing or sitting. This ensures that the thighs are modestly covered at all times. Also, clothing that reveals the knee (and thighs) can have a provocative and sensual effect on men. As modest Christian women, we should strive to be covered from “neck to knees”.
Q: Do you think t-shirts are modest to wear out?
It depends on the t-shirt. Tight, form-fitting t-shirts are not modest because they reveal the shape and form of a woman’s bust. Some t-shirts also have excess glitter and flashy designs that draw the eyes to a woman’s chest. We must be careful to avoid shirts that draw attention to that part of our bodies. With that being said, if a t-shirt is loose enough, high enough, and not eye-catching, I don’t believe there is anything wrong with wearing a t-shirt out in public.
Q: How low of a neckline is modest?
A good guideline is that your shirt should not be lower than 3-4 fingers from your collar bone. This ensures that your chest and cleavage is modestly covered. I like to wear tank tops (backwards) underneath my shirts. This means the neckline comes right to my collar bone and I do not need to worry about my shirt sliding around and revealing too much.
Q: What about high heels?
Unfortunately, many women who dress modestly, think nothing of wearing sexy, or high heeled shoes. This is something I have struggled with in the past, because I love wearing high heels! However, when a heel is too high, it causes a woman’s hips to sway back and forth when she walks which shows off that part of her body to those who are watching. Many shoes are flashy, strappy, and sexy which immediately draw attention to a woman’s feet and legs. Small heels (like pumps with a two inch heel) don’t have quite the same effect. (When it comes to shoes – and heels – I always ask my husband.) If a pair of shoes immediately draws attention to your feet and legs, or causes your hips to sway as you walk, they should be avoided.
Q: There’s a lot of different fabrics out there, but what are some that wouldn’t be good fabrics to wear in skirts/dresses?
We must be careful of fabrics that cling (like spandex or nylon). These fabrics tend to cling to the curvier parts of our body (backside, hips, and bust). When this happens, the shape and form our body is outlined and revealed. When shopping for clothing, it’s best to look for fabric that is loose and flow-y and watch out for items that cling to our body.
Q: How tight/loose of clothing is modest?
If an article of clothing reveals your curves and the exact shape of your body – it’s too tight! Your clothing is too tight if: the lines of your bra or underwear are visible, there are stretch marks on your clothing, you can see the exact shape and outline of your bust, or the material of your clothing is sticking to you. Aim for dresses, skirts, and tops that are loose and flowing.
Q: Do you have any advice for those of us with more curves and wider hips?
To modestly cover the wider areas of our body – fullness is the goal. Loose, flowing clothing can nicely cover “larger features”. Avoid materials and clothing that will just stick to those parts of your body. These days, loose and flowing clothing can be really hard to find. Sometimes it’s easier to shop online because it’s easier and faster to search for specific things. Sometimes it’s necessary to spend a little extra $$$ for something that is modest.
Q: Can you give some tips or encouragement for girls whose sisters don’t share their same standard of modesty? How can I encourage and support them, while gently urging them to dress more modestly?
1) First and foremost, start with YOU. Set the example by choosing modest clothing and be happy to do so. Hopefully they will see your modest example and be encouraged to follow. 2) Pray for them and ask the Lord to help them see the need for modesty and give them a desire to dress modestly. 3) If and when you go shopping with them, make loving comments about their choices of clothing. If something is not modest, gently caution them against it. If something is modest, encourage them to buy it. 4) Do not compliment them on their clothing when they choose an immodest outfit, but DO compliment them when they choice a modest one. 5) If necessary, speak with your parents and ask them to step in as well.
Q: This may be a strange question but what about a modest choice in a handbag? So many are expensive and I feel that isn’t wise but very worldly. Any recommendations? What is your “go to” purse for each day?
When considering a “modest purse or handbag” there are a few questions you can ask yourself. 1) Does this purse bring unnecessary attention to me, is it too flashy? 2) Is it withing my budget? 3) Is it practical for my needs?
I used to buy purses that I liked based their color and style… I even had a purple one for a long time! Now, I usually buy neutral color handbags (like brown, gray, or black) because they match my outfits and do not stand out too much. Most of my purses come from thrift stores. 🙂 I don’t believe there is anything wrong with buying and using a stylish/colorful handbag as long as it’s not flashy and/or worldly like you said. Personally, I would avoid handbags with lots of leather fringes and metal studs because that makes most people think of a rocker/punk style. Also, many designer handbags carry the names of their immoral designers. It’s best to use caution. If you are uncomfortable with a certain style handbag, then avoid it.
Many people spend an enormous amount of money on the latest handbag – but I believe that is unnecessary. You can find nice and practical bags at regular clothing stores or thrift shops.
Q: What do you recommend/tell women who feel too hot wearing leggings underneath skirts and dresses but want their legs covered? Are there loose leggings or something like that?
If it’s too hot to wear leggings underneath a skirt or dress, then it’s best to wear a long, calf/ankle length skirt. Long and loose skirts are comfortable in hot weather because they allow your skin to breathe, and provide a lot of freedom of movement. They are also modest enough to avoid leggings underneath. Culottes are another comfortable and modest option, although they are more fitting for girls/young women than adult ladies.
Q: Do you know of a good website to find modest khaki skirts?
In the past I have found all of my khaki skirts at thrift and consignment shops. Unfortunately, khaki skirts are getting harder to find. You will have to spend more, but The Skirt Outlet and Amazon both carry khaki skirts. You might be able to find a reasonably priced khaki skirt through Haband or Blair.
Q: What is your view on 1 Corinthians 11/modesty with hair?
When this passage was written, Paul had to address some problems in the church at Corinth. The main point of this passage is not that a woman should wear a veil or a head covering, but that she must be in subjection to the God-ordained headship of her husband. When this was written, it was the cultural custom for women to wear a veil as a sign of subjection to her husband. If a woman removed her veil, it was a sign that she was not in subjection to her husband, and she was dishonoring him by removing her veil. Paul is extorting men and women to be in subjection to their rightful head (men are to be in subjection to Christ, women are to be in subjection to their husbands).
Wearing a veil is no longer a cultural custom of our day. However, the principle of longer hair is still important to show proper respect and submission. As a covering, longer hair is just one aspect of modesty and should cover portions of the ears and neck. The main point here is still that men and women must follow God’s proper order of headship.
“ But if a woman have long hair, it is a glory to her: for her hair is given her for a covering.” 1 Corinthians 11:15
Final Thoughts
Thank you again for all the modesty questions that you submitted. I tried to answer all of them to the best of my ability. If I missed something or if you still have questions, please contact me via the contact page.
Do You Want to Know More About Modesty?
To learn more about the topic of modesty, and what the Bible has to say be sure to grab a copy of my Radiant Modesty E-Book!
Here are my previous posts on modesty:
- My Favorite Books on Modesty
- The Radiant Modesty E-Book is Here!
- Three Reasons Why Modesty Matters Today
- How to Dress Modestly in the Summer
- 4 Reasons Why I Don’t Wear Pants
- Mondays, Modesty, and a Blog Birthday Giveaway!
- My Personal Struggle With Modesty
Before you leave, I would love to know…
What did you learn from today’s post?
Hey! Love this post! Just thought I’d mention a rule of thumb a lady told us one time for skirt lengths. She said it’s good to have at least the top half of your calves covered, never allowing the full curve to be seen. The same went for other curves in the body, only the rule there was to never allow the under-curve to be shaped by your shirts and tops. Just thought I’d share that, hope it helps 😉
I’ve so enjoyed these posts and am sad Modesty Month is over 🙁 Thank you for being such an encouragement to me!
Those are some great tips – thanks for sharing!
Does this mean even the back strap part of a bra being seen through clothing is immodest? I have a VERY hard time finding bras that don’t show through shirts in the back (the adjustable strap part mostly)
It would certainly be best if that were covered too, but you are right – it is hard to find bras that don’t show through the back! I usually wear some kind of undershirt so that usually takes care of the bulge caused by the adjustable strap. I also have very long hair, so my hair covers that part as well. Extra layers like undershirts or light sweaters also help.
I loved all your answers!! Thank you so much for doing this post, it was a lot of help!! 🙂
Glad it was helpful!!
I find LL Bean often have long khaki skirts, and below-the-knee skirts (right now quite a lot in “sale” section.) My favourite skirts are from there! And I love their pima cotton shells (tank tops), they have a high neckline, and I wear them every day, under all my blouses. They are a bit pricey, but such lovely quality and they wash and wear and last a long time.
Thank you so much for sharing… I will have to look into that as well. Thanks!!
New CreationApparel has many long, stylish skirts. I have purchased several of them. They are well-made and the owner is very helpful with answering questions!
Thanks for sharing!! I looked it up and they do have some very modest skirts… Love it!
Two more things! I love your wedding dress–truly modest, not pretend modest!
How do you wear sneakers with a skirt?? Especially in the summer? I always feel dorky wearing “real” sneakers with a skirt for active days.
Awww thank you Sarah!
As for sneakers… I try to avoid wearing sneakers with a long skirt. Instead I opt for a skirt that comes a couple inches below my knees. To me, that combination looks a little better. 😊 I’m a sandals and flip flops kind of girl though so I only wear sneakers for lots of walking or hiking.
Hello!
Thank you so much for this post! I have one question. I recently got a dress that is a bit shorter than I would like. I’m thinking about getting a lace dress extender. I’m not sure though if having lace peeking out under clothes is hard for guys? Do you have any thoughts? Do you know of any good ways to add length to a dress without wearing an actual clothing piece underneath?
Thank you!
Hey Hannah!
It would probably just depend on the dress you wear and the lace on the skirt extender. Lace usually has holes and can be see-through. Your best bet would be to ask a guy you trust (like your dad or a brother – or husband if you’re married!). You could add length to a dress by sewing thick (not see through) lace or a matching strip of material to the hem of the skirt. Hope this helps!
Rebekah
Hey there! I was just wondering if you had any tips on wearing modest things in the winter time? Also what places do you usually shop to find your skirts and dresses?
Thank You, Natalie!
Hey Natalie,
I actually cover both of your questionss in my E-Book, Radiant Modesty… but I will give you a few quick tips on here!
For winter-time, I love leggings, long skirts, and/or pairing below the knee skirts with leggings, warm socks and boots! Boots are my go-to shoes because with warm socks and leggings they really help me stay warm.
I love shopping at thrift shops mostly – I don’t have lots of many to spend on brand new clothing. Occasionally I buy clothing from Amazon, Zulily, or Kohls. Hope this helps!
Rebekah
Hey Rebekah!
Thank you for this post, it’s very helpful! I recently discovered your blog, and it has been incredibly useful, and enjoyable! I do have a question though, about I Timothy 2:9 where it says:
“In like manner also, that woman adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefacedness and sobriety; not with broided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array;”
And according to Webster’s dictionary, to broid means to braid; so is it wrong to braid our hair, or am I confused?
Thanks in advance!
Hey Sarah! Great question! A lot of people misunderstand this verse. Paul isn’t saying that a woman cannot braid her hair or wear gold or pearls… It’s more of an admonition to focus on the inner beauty of the heart… And not become obsessed with the outward appearance. Instead of adorning ourselves with lavish closing and jewelry we should be adorning ourselves with good works (that’s in the nest verse). Hope this clears up some of the confusion!!
I can’t help it comment whan I read the question about 1 Corinthians 11… If we follow Jesus teachings in the rest of the Bible, should we not follow it with the head covering too? If we really believe Jesus meant every word he said does it not apply here too?
Hi Heather!
Thanks for sharing! My husband has done a study of the Greek words in this passage. If you really study it out the application of this passage is not that women should be wearing a veil or covering. Paul is saying that if a woman has shorn or shaven hair (in other words really short hair) then it should be covered. However, if a woman has hair (especially long hair) it is her natural God-given covering. I know that sounds confusing but I hope this helps to clarify my position/beliefs concerning this passage.
Rebekah
Hello, I’ve just come across your blog whilst researching new books to read. I have read quite a few of your posts and it would seem that a verse from the Bible keeps popping into my head.
‘The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.’ 1 Samuel 16:7 NIV
I’m keen to understand why so much thought goes into ‘dressing modestly’ when the Lord doesn’t judge us by what we wear!! He looks at our heart!
love Helen x
Hi Helen! Yes! You are right God does look at the heart! However, we must remember that in the first few chapters of Genesis, God dealt with Adam and Eve about immodesty. Their fig leaf outfits did not please him, instead He gave them furs/robes instead. Obviously, modesty matters to God, and we should not overlook it! Above all, God cares the most about our hearts, but that does not mean we shouldn’t dress modestly. I hope this clarifies things a little bit!
Rebekah
Hi Rebekah!
I know commenting on a thread this old is like walking into a church two hours after the service ended, but here I go.
One issue that almost never gets discussed is the relationship between modesty and attractiveness. To be blunt, you and most of the other Christian women who write about this issue are gorgeous, and hence do not really understand the temptation of immodesty for many women.
You all seem to think that immodesty is all about peer pressure, the desire to conform to fashion trends, or perhaps the unavailability of stylish yet modest clothing because of said fashion trends. That is probably true of you but not of me!
Since you are beautiful men will be attracted to you the same way you are to them. You would get male attention even if you wore a burka. This is not true of homely, pudgy women like me. Since we can’t get male attention through attraction, we are tempted to cause them to lust with immodest dress. Male lust is the reason, and not an unintended consequence for immodest dress in women, including Christian women who deny it. I’m sure you have noticed when a homely girl wears yoga pants in mixed company the male eyes go right to her, and as a consequence, she gets attention when those men sin.*
I’m not sure if this can be done politely in Christian circles. As for me, I have resigned myself to lifelong spinsterhood. I am even thinking about converting to Catholicism or Orthodoxy so I can become a nun. For most women, the prospect of having to forgo dating and marriage in order to follow His Will is too much.
*–It is always a fun theological debate to raise the issue of who is sinning when a man lust’s after a woman. Jesus certainly condemns the men in Matthew 5:27-30 and those versus say nothing about women’s modesty, but plenty of other places in Scripture do. I tend to think a man has sinned if he actually wants to lust, but if a woman’s immodest dress is too much for him I don’t think he is sinning if he turns away, but her immodest dress is always to blame in either case
Hi Alyssa,
I don’t usually comment on blogs. I don’t do social media of any sort, hence I write as anonymous on the times I do which is close to zero. 🙂 I just came across this in reading through Rebekah’s modesty posts, and comments are always interesting. 🙂 I’m not sure I understand all your comments, but I hope I can share a few thoughts with you that hopefully will help if there is a genuine desire to learn and grow.
The Bible is the Word of life for all seasons of the year (summer and winter). The Bible is the Word of life for all people (gender, race, nationality, wealth, poverty, and so on). The Bible is the Word of life for (pardon me to say it bluntly) those who seem beautiful or ugly.
A personal rule of thumb when shopping for clothes is this;
1. It must be modest.
2. It must be appropriate to the occasion (as well as modest).
3. Attractiveness is an added bonus!
Pertaining to immodesty- there is much that can be said. I think Rebekah’s numerous posts are very helpful and good for inspiration. But I will address the biblical idea here. That is sin. In James 4:17 he tells us that “to him that knoweth to do good, and doeth it not, to him it is sin.” Jesus makes it clear that our thoughts and intents of the heart produce sin. God through the Apostles reaffirmed Jesus words on loving our brothers and neighbors and doing good to them. (If we are causing men to think wrong about us, is that really loving them as Christ loves them while we wear whatever we want to wear?)
Back to the scripture on sin and the heart. Our hearts are deceitful and desperately wicked, who can know it? (Jeremiah 17). Forgive me for saying this bluntly; when we give in to the temptation to dress immodestly we produce many sins for us and others-
selfishness on our part
neglecting to esteem others as better than ourselves
wrong example to younger ladies
lack of love towards the men in our life (from ages 4 to 90 and infinity)
disobedience to above and other scriptural commands
cause a stumbling block
deceive ourselves
discontentment with God’s will for our lives
idolatry of men instead of wholehearted love for God above all else
we hurt children
and more…
Just think- many men who end up with pornography issues got trapped as 4,5, and 6 year olds at the earliest. I have heard accounts. Just a thoughtful question… If girls should be allowed to wear whatever they want, then why should mothers tell their boys they can’t look at whatever they want? In the unfair world of fairness, that’s not fair to them!
Girls/women (especially as believers) have a scriptural responsibility to love their brothers in Christ by not contributing to the opportunity of sin. Boys/men have the scriptural responsibility to not look and think on women in any way to lust after them (which objectifies and devalues them as co-image bearers of Creator God). It can go both ways, but God allowed his word to be worded in such a way to show that there is a general natural tendency to specific genders. That is how God ordained the way of things. Boys shouldn’t look and need to learn self-control. Yet, girls also need to not “play the harlot” mentioned throughout Proverbs who intentionally led young men astray.
A few other thoughts…
Paul reminds us in 2 Corinthians that comparing/measuring ourselves among ourselves is not wise. God gives some women outward beauty. God gives some women simple complexion. But scripture makes it clear that inward beauty (meek and quiet spirit) is far more beautiful than an outwardly gorgeous woman who may have an ugly personality. Proverbs likens it to a pig with a gold ring in its snout. There are many “simple” women who “become” beautiful because they have a beautiful personality. A beautiful woman that loves modesty will also become more beautiful with a beautiful personality as well. A beautiful woman with an ugly personality grows less beautiful if not ugly with age. When beauty is gone, it will still be the personality that counts.
When men are attracted to immodesty in women they are not valuing you as a special and precious daughter of the King, the heavenly Father. They are a seeing a useable object to gratify an animalistic appetite for their own selfish gain. Just a side thought- the natural and God ordained sex appetite in a man/woman is only justifiable and biblical between a one man/one woman marriage as God ordains. There the husband is commanded to love and cherish his wife. There will naturally be a bond of intimacy, friendship, companionship, and so on that edifies body and soul. That is the biblical way. Outside of that one biblical way is nothing more than an unrestrained appetite as an animal that comprehends neither right nor wrong.
Wouldn’t having a man who is inspired by a woman’s beautiful personality (which is more productive, efficient, beneficial, humble, responsible, etc.) be more “self-respecting” and dignifying than knowing she is cheapened to a play object?
Our value as women is not in getting married. For those who do it is a wonderful blessing. Single women are just as valuable. Paul also agrees to that in his passages in 1 Corinthians. A single woman does not need to join a convent to glorify God. She needs to first receive salvation and/or affirm that salvation (or work it out) by growing in a right and personal relationship with her Father in heaven. As she grows in her walk with God, he will give her the grace to minister and serve others in her life by her conduct, speech, words, actions, and so on. Ephesians 2:8-10 is a favorite verse for me because it reminds me that we are not saved by good works but to do good works as an outer manifestation of the inward heart change that happens in a believer. A single woman has much potential without having to answer to a husband (aside from command to submit, this would be basic respectful communication and cooperation). She can come and go “freely.” A single woman’s life is not over or unfulfilled because she is without a man. This is a wonderful season of life to embrace. What better way to embrace singleness than to live to glorify God instead of self?
That is the inner beauty of a woman who loves God with ALL her heart, soul, mind, and strength.
I wonder, like, why do you draw the line for modesty where you do? I mean, sure, it says in the Bible that the thighs shouldn’t be seen but then again you also seem to refer to just a general idea of what can appear sexy to a man. And let’s be honest, men have been attracted to anything from womens ankles to our collarbones throughout history. if everyone dressed like you do – then someone like you would say ankles are too sexy, because that would be the new thing for men to excited about. So to me it just seems like because the rest of us (who don’t dress modestly) have pushed the boundaries of what is considered “sexy” and what is considered “modest” someone like you kan wear a skirt that shows skin and call it modest and be all holy. Do you understand where I’m coming from? It feels like you haven’t grasped how modesty changes with what we decide is modesty and that without people pushing to wear “unmodest” clothing women would still be stuck in 18th century dresses. And modesty should come from the men watching
(if your eye leads you astray take it out and all that), because no matter how hard women have tried men have always found ways to see something attractive about the things they wear. I mean, women in niqab (like a burqa but without covering the eyes) get scolded for having such sexy eyes. Do you get where I’m coming from?
Also: if Im being really honest, it feels like you put more focus on your outside and how you look to men, than I (an unmodest woman) do and isn’t that kind of the opposite of what we’re supposed to be doing?
True thoughts, Andrea. I believe there is power that comes from a son or daughter of God dressing modestly as a sign to God of their love, gratitude, and commitment to Him, rather than seeing it as an obligation to protect the people around them, whose agency and thoughts are their own. You are right, that men or woman will always find things to be attracted to in the opposite gender. Our body is one of the most precious gifts given to us by God, and the way we treat it sends a direct message to the Lord about how we feel about that gift. I believe our body is a temple, created to house our eternal spirit, and it matters more to please God than to appeal to the world.
Hi Rebekah, my name is Connor. I know this was written a while ago, and I haven’t read all of your thoughts on modesty. I found this because I teach religion and am preparing a lesson on modesty for the youth in my area. I didn’t see it expressed here, but I’ve been wondering about the power that might come from a son or daughter of God dressing modestly as a sign to God of their love, gratitude, and commitment to Him, rather than seeing it as an obligation to protect the people around them, whose agency and thoughts are their own? What thoughts do you have on this. Thank you for your testimony of Jesus and the way you are sharing it.
I enjoy reading your website about modesty. I am a Pentecostal lady and was always taught that Christian ladies dressed modestly and wore dresses and skirts. But about ten years ago I was in an accident and ended up in a wheel chair. I wear pants now to keep my skirts from getting caught in the wheels.
What are your views on leggings under skirts?