8 Things to Look for in a Future Husband

8 Things to Look for in a Future Husband

What should a young woman look for in a future husband?

This post has been asked for, and talked about, but I’m little nervous about sharing this.  Why?  Because this is what I am looking for in a future husband, and I don’t want anyone to take this post the wrong way.  Before you continue reading, please know this:

  • I do not expect any young man who shows an interest in me to be perfect -just growing.
  • Because I’ve never been married, I have only a few ways of knowing what I need in a future husband. I’ve compiled this  list through reading books, talking to my Pastor, and talking to other godly women.

At the end of my list, I will share a smaller list that was given to me – It’s the seven biblical responsibilities of a husband. So, keep reading, my dear friend!

8 Things A Young Woman Should Look for in a Future Husband

(My Personal List)

1) Spiritual Growth

I don’t believe it would be biblical for me to allow a young man to pursue me if he is not a born-again Christian (2 Cor. 6:14).   That is a “non-negotiable”.  Taking it a bit further, I don’t want to find myself married to stagnant Christian.  Before being pursued by a young man, I want to be able to see the fruit of his spiritual life.  Is he faithful to church and ministry?  Does he pray?  How is his walk with God?  Does he just “talk the talk” or does he actually “walk the walk”?  Does he know the Bible and base his life and decisions after it?  I want to marry a man who is growing spiritually.

Related Post: 11 Things to Pray for Your Future Husband

2) Leadership Skills

Leadership skills are very important to me… I want to marry someone I can follow, not someone I will have to lead.  My pastor’s wife once told me “make sure you marry a man who can lead you spiritually.”  Someday when I am married, I don’t want to be the one that has to initiate prayer times, family devotions, or other spiritual matters.  While I am supposed to be a key part in all those things, I want my future husband to be the spiritual leader of the home.

3) Trustworthiness

I don’t want to be with a man who makes me feel insecure or threatened.  I want someone I can trust to tell the truth, act appropriately around other women, and who will keep his word as much as possible.  I want to marry a man I can trust with my heart.

4) Wisdom with Finances

If my husband is to be the main provider for the home, he needs to be wise with his finances.  Finances issues are some of the biggest hurdles couples face in marriage.  Good stewardship and wise handling of money are two things I am looking for in a future husband.

5) Love and kindness towards others

How does he treat his mom? Is he loving and respectful?  Is he kind to children, and loving towards other people?  How he treats his mother (or sisters) is a very good indication of how he will treat me.  How he interacts with children, will tell me what he will be like with his own children someday.  I want to marry a man who is loving and kind.

6) Diligence and Direction

Because the husband is to be the main provider of the home, he will need to be diligent.  He must be a hard-worker in order to provide for a home and family.  I am also looking for someone with direction and a clear sense of what God wants him to do with his life.  I am a very goal and growth oriented person, I want to marry a man who has direction and the discipline and diligence needed to carry it out.

7) Not Given to Anger

Ever since reading, “Make no friendship with an angry man, and with a furious man thou shalt not go;” (Proverbs 22:24), I have decided I will not consider a young man who has any serious anger issues.   Most of us get angry and upset from time-to-time, however, if a young man has an explosive temper, that could be very dangerous in the future.  I do not want to marry a man given to anger.

8) Willing to accept correction from others, submissive to authority

Before allowing a young man to pursue me, I would like to know how he responds to correction.  Is he too proud to listen?  Does he ignore it?  Does he get upset or rebel?  Or, does he show meekness and humility when someone corrects him?  I’ve been reading in Proverbs on a daily basis for a couple years now… I’ve learned that how someone responds to reproof or correction is a clear sign of either wisdom or folly in their life.  I want to marry a man who can humbly accept correction and learn from it.  I don’t want to marry a man with a proud or rebellious spirit.

That’s My List

There are many other things I could (and probably should) add to this list…. however these 8 things are the things that come to my mind when asked about “future husband qualifications”.  I hope this list is helpful to those who are wondering what a young woman should look for in a future husband.  Please remember, this is just my own list.  You should take the time to look at Scripture, talk to godly wives, read books and decide what you will look for in your future husband.

Following is a list that was given to me a long time ago.  This is a list of the biblical responsibilities of a husband.  Each of these responsibilities are taken right from Scripture… hopefully this list will also help you in deciding what you ought to be looking for in a future husband.

The Biblical Responsibilities of the Husband 

(A List Given to Me)

  1. To cleave to his wife (Gen. 2:24; Matt. 19:5; Eph. 5:31; 1 Peter 3:7)
  2. To lead his wife (Gen. 3:16, 17; 1 Cor. 11:3; Eph. 5:24)
  3. To love his wife (sacrificially/unconditionally for her benefit – Eph. 5:25-28)
  4. To provide for his wife (1 Tim. 5:8)
  5. To know his wife (1 Peter 3:7)
  6. To honor his wife (1 Peter 3:7)
  7. To meet the physical needs of his wife (1 Cor. 7:3-5)

(The roles/duties in marriage are designed to fulfill the needs of the mate.)

I hope these two lists are a helpful guide to you, as you determine what you will look for in a future husband!  Who we marry is the second most important decision we will make in our life (the first is regarding salvation).  We ought to be learning all we can so we can make wise and biblical decisions regarding a future husband and marriage.

Related Post: 12 Ways to Prepare for Marriage -Even if you’re single!

Some Helpful Resources

Here are some helpful books that I have read and used to research on the guy/girl topic.  Not all of these line up with my beliefs 100%, but I have gleaned wisdom and some helpful information from each one.

Just Friends by Cary Schmidt (find it here)

Stay in the Castle by Jerry Ross (find it here)

The 7 Royal Laws of Courtship by Jerry Ross (find it here)

The One by Ryan and Amanda Leak (a more secular approach –read my review here)

What He Must Be by Voddie Bachaum Jr. (I only read parts of this book for the purpose of writing this post)

Rebekah Joy (2)

25 thoughts on “8 Things to Look for in a Future Husband

  1. This is a great list! These are good points! It really makes me think, and try to compare to these ideas on how I must be as a wife. I don’t want to be the “leader” of my home either, but I know that there will often be times when my husband and I won’t be able to “family devotions or prayer together.” While it’s a wonderful idea, I must be responsible as a Christian to be accountable for my own devotions and prayer. And I truly feel that sometimes it’s better when I am trying to iron out some changes that I need to make in my future marriage, that alone time with just me and The Lord will be more beneficial to my Christ-like transformation than having my husband involved in all of my devotions, he will be needing alone to with The Lord at times as well. (1 Thessalonians 2:4 But as we were allowed of God to be put in trust with the gospel, even so we speak; not as pleasing men, but God, which trieth our hearts.”) I like to think of being “allowed of God to be put in trust with the gospel” as God’s word telling me, it’s also my duty and responsibility to be able to independently able to study and apply God’s word to my life, not my husbands responsibility to see to it that I’m always doing it while he’s right by my side.
    I currently work full time in a public place. So I must also be trustworthy in the work place. Proverbs 31:11 The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil.” I hope to always be understanding someday due to my experience at work, that my future husband will have to deal with women, (just as I have to deal with men everyday.) So I never want to be “too hard” on him for that.
    I also like to be out working before marriage so when I am married someday I will have an idea of what it’s like to be in his shoes. It gives me an idea of what a 40 hour week is like…Sometimes I come home tired and a little grumpy… I’ve learned through this that I can’t bombard him as soon as he comes in the door, crying that I’m tired of watching the kids, cooking and cleaning. Sometimes I need a few minutes to myself before interacting with my family. I know he will appreciate coming home to a meal and a tidy home. I need to be mindful of that (Proverbs 31:15 She riseth also while it is yet night, and giveth meat to her household, and a portion to her maidens.)
    It is his responsibility to provide, but it’s my responsibility to be a wise keeper of finances as well. I need to watch how I handle things, and be mindful that I don’t try to validate my “wants” as “needs,” and become selfish with “our” money and have a sense of entitlement to “my half, or your half.” I’ve also learned what I have left after tithing to budget for my bills. So if two of us are earning, or one of us are earning, I will know that money doesn’t grow on trees, and I can’t use whatever we have left after paying bills for my “wants,” he deserves some financial freedom too, and he will appreciate a splurge once in a while on himself for his hard work 🙂
    I also know that I need to be willing to accept correction from others, and submit to authority and apply it to being under my future husband. I may not always agree with my future husband, but I know that I must Biblically back him up and stay beside him even if I wouldn’t handle it the way he chooses. (Ephesians 5: 22-23 & 33 – 22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. 33 Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband. ) So while I might not like it, I must remember, my husband is growing, and he will make mistakes, but I have a HUGE responsibility as a wife to even back up his mistakes, and just pray for him when I don’t agree. I pray I’m always found faithful in reverencing my husband. (Proverbs 21:9 It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman in a wide house.) I don’t want to nag or “brawl” at my husband, I want to strive to let him handle things in the way he feels led by Christ to do so. I know it won’t be easy, but I am commanded by God to let my husband have the reins of the household.
    I know I won’t be perfect either…so I pray for God’s grace in all of this, and I pray for a sweet, loving and patient husband who grows with me. I don’t have all the answers either, so I can’t expect to constantly “correct my husband.”
    Your list really helped me apply these things to my imperfections!

    1. Yes!! A woman’s personal walk with God needs to be strong. While it is important that the husband leads His wife spiritually, she needs to take responsibility for her spiritual growth as well. Thanks for bringing that out!
      I also like what you brought out about a full time job. As a wife we will definitely need to be understanding if and when our husband comes home grumpy!! I know when I go and work a long day I usually come home tired and not in the best of moods 😉
      Thank you for all your sharing… I won’t try to comment on each point you brought out but it was all very helpful!! 🙂 thank you!

  2. I absolutely love your list! I have a list of my own as well, but it’s not comprehensive or anything. I read a blog post last week that said we shouldn’t have lists because it’s wrong to confine a guy to one single list. I have to say I didn’t agree lol I do see what they’re saying, but a list is a great thing to have, in my opinion! Also, turning that list onto myself(well, the applicable parts anyways, since some of it is specific to the man lol)

    1. I agree with you… I think it’s good to have a list although important to remember that no one is perfect! I love what you said about turning the list back onto yourself… Definitely something very important right there!! 🙂

  3. Hi Megan! 🙂

    I think there are two aspects to your first point—and you and Rebekah each discussed one. 🙂 Definitely a woman’s walk with the Lord needs to be personal, meaning she needs to spend time alone with Him and look to Him as her ultimate Guide. Sometimes feminist-influenced thinking insists that submission leads ladies to be doormats and see their husbands as God—not true!!! In fact it’s quite the opposite: it is with a full realization that their husbands are not sinless or perfect, as both you and Rebekah stated, that godly women will keep the Lord first and actively follow Him, “standing on their own feet” spiritually.

    Rebekah touched on the other aspect of all this when she mentioned that the husband needs to be the spiritual leader of the home. He needs to set a godly example in his household himself (his own personal spiritual life) but he also has the responsibility of actually leading his family, e.g. answering spiritual questions (1 Cor. 14:35), teaching his children in the admonition of the Lord (Eph. 6:4), disciplining them (Prov. 23:13-14—the wife supports him in this), and so on. Maintaining regular family devotions and prayer is what my dad has often called a priestly role. 🙂 Again, the husband isn’t a go-between between his wife and God, in the sense that he does all the praying and then hands down God’s will to her! But according to Scripture he DOES have a tremendous responsibility and his wife needs to realize this in order for there to be harmony.

    Thank you for the in-depth comment, Megan—it challenged me to think through all this 🙂 and, by the way, the insights you have as someone already working full-time are very helpful. Have a great Friday!!

  4. Hi Emily, no problem! 🙂 Yes I agree with you 100% on those commandments to the husband! He is the “leader” and is supposed to head up “family devotions.” I like to think of where I need to “change” to be “wife material.” Part of that was where I personally could improve, because for example, if he works a different shift or something, he may not be able to head up family devotions at all times…and he can’t help that. There are so many variables in a future marriage that you just can’t predict and expect to have lined up beforehand to end in a certain way, that I just like to consider “what I must be” for him. I don’t want to be too hard on my husband or I’ll never be happy with him…I want to enjoy him! 🙂 Doing things for myself has been the reality of what he will go through, and I pray it makes me the understanding wife I need to be.
    I agree with you on both views with “the list.” I have one in my mind, he must be a born again Christian, growing and responsible. However I don’t want to get so caught up in lists that I forget the important keys that will truly make me happy and content, and become too picky that I’d be unlovable towards a man. I see both sides with you comment much like you! 🙂

    1. Oh, yes! 🙂 I’ve wondered many times what needs changing to better prepare me for being a wife. (I’ve even asked others for their honest opinion… if anyone else tries this, be warned: you may need to brace yourself!) 😉

      Your example about a husband’s not always being able to lead devotions really did happen in my family for years. My dad had to hurry out the door for his long commute each morning, so it fell to Mom to read the Bible and a kids’ devotional to us once breakfast was over. But when Dad was home, in the evenings and on weekends, he would be the one in charge of the devotions. There was no doubt in our minds about who was the leader: Mom just gracefully deferred to him when he was there. And that’s the harmony I was remembering as I first commented, I think—both spouses knowing their God-given roles and at the same time being ready to adapt their expectations to their own particular situation. It sounds as though you’re actively preparing for this yourself so, may the Lord bless your endeavors!

      The comment on lists was Elizabeth’s but, incidentally, I’ve avoided setting impossible criteria too. 🙂

      1. Oh wow, I really like the idea of asking others their opinions of me! 🙂 I think that would help me to remember humility. It’s a great idea to remind ourselves that we aren’t and don’t always have to be “right,” and aren’t meant to be in the “correction” role. (Not to be a doormat, but to remind us not to be arrogant, proud and self righteous.) I want to try that idea! 🙂
        Wow, I am glad you can relate to that example. I actually have to lead my own devotions most times, and have had to follow my own faith without support at times from my family. So it’s REALLY given me the perspective of “My life hasn’t been perfect, I don’t expect my husbands to be. I may need to take action and be prepared to do more down the road in my marriage depending on his circumstances.” Everyone’s life is different, so we can all apply things as best as we can, and sometimes it’s best to have a “go with the flow” mindset after we find our mate, to just praise God for the bumps in life and help us go through them together! 🙂 Lord bless you as well!
        Oops Emily! 🙂 I mixed it up, but I agree. I don’t want to be judged harshly by a man, so I try to give him the same courtesy, (but remember to be looking for a growing Christian.) 🙂

        1. I also like the idea of asking other people what they see in my life that needs to be changed. I was really brave and asked my two brothers a few months ago! My one brother gave me some really good advice, and he was nice about it too. He pointed out something that was “kind of” aware of… but just the fact that he noticed it showed me that it was something to work on. I think all of us can have “blind spots” that we can’t see but others definitely can!

          By the way… I have SO enjoyed reading all your thoughts! I wish I could specifically respond to each new thought you girls are bringing out… however I am just enjoying reading and learning from you girls! 🙂 Thank you for being so willing to participate in a conversation. I love it! 🙂

  5. All very true and things I have desired as well! I like how you added the seventh one….anger can be a key problem in a marriage. Many of these points can be reversed for the wife (besides the second one :)) Asking a sibling or parent things that need changed in your life is a great idea. Let’s see if I’m brave enough to ask 😉

    1. I didn’t even think about doing that until reading these comments, so I think I may do that too! God’s already been working in my heart in so many areas, so I’m kind of afraid to find out more that needs work lol!

      1. I’ve thought of it…but unfortunately have pushed it aside. I guess this post will be good for some of us in more ways than intended :))

        1. Probably the best person to ask is a godly mother… she can perceive things we can’t and will probably be a lot more gentle sharing it with us! 🙂

          1. YES! Mine has been the greatest help in showing what I need to be, both by pointing out my personal strengths/weaknesses and by living out an example herself. (I do take people’s comments very much to heart but there have been many times when her actions have been way more convicting than a verbal evaluation… although she may never have realized it!) 🙃 Thank the Lord for speaking through godly mothers!!! ❤️

  6. Hi Rebekah,
    I just wanted to comment because I don’t think I have before, so, hi! 🙂 I believe I found your blog over a comment you left on Fresh Modesty – it has been quite a few months, so I don’t remember what post it was or anything, but I do think that was how I found your blog.
    Anyway, I wanted to thank you so much for your blog!! It has been SO encouraging and challenging to me! I am a list, planner and practical-idea girl, so the practicality in your posts have been especially helpful for me.
    I think it’s really cool that you posted this when you did, because I was just talking to my mom about this topic the other day! Excessive anger was one of the things we talked about. I had a hard time labeling this as a non-negotiable, because the closest thing to anger I have witnessed is my oldest brother’s intensity. And he is also the most godly and loving young man I know! But when I think of anger, his intensity is the closest thing I can think of, so I labeled that as anger. So, my advice in that area is, know what the definition of “anger” is! Because I didn’t…!
    Thanks again Rebekah! Keep up the wonderful work!

    1. Hi Grace,
      Thank you so much for leaving a comment and saying hi 🙂
      I’m glad you find my blog helpful!
      I can definitely see what you are saying about anger… I guess what we should try to determine is the cause of the anger, or the reason why they are angry. Righteous anger is definitely Biblical… and like you said about your brother, some people just naturally have a more “intense” personality. Thank you for mentioning that 🙂

  7. Excellent list and post, Rebekah! I just signed up to receive the checklist because it’s full of good prayer prompts not only for my future husband but also for myself and others (with a few edits here and there, obviously). Thank you for sharing and supporting your points with scripture throughout the post.

  8. Hello gals…it’s interesting to hear you all talk about a list for your future husband. I’m enjoying them and for the most part the lists are good. There are some things I would have left unsaid. I do think the Biblical Responsibilities are the ones us gals should stick to. If we all stick to what God’s Word says we can never go wrong in getting the husband God wants us to have. We have to remember that sometimes what we think we want isn’t what God wants for us. We, us gals can step outside of God’s will for our own lives.

    Gals we have to remember something else as well. The guys have a list for their future wife as well. Maybe we should be looking at that list and making sure we measure up to the type of wife it says we are suppose to be. What does the Bible have to say to us gals about being a godly wife? Maybe you could do a list for us gals, maybe some of you gals have a list already? I’ve seen gals have a list for their future husband and not worry themselves about how they come across. Also, to many gals now a days think marriage is a fairy tale and you ride into the sunset and live happily ever after. Each of our marriages will have trials and difficulties. We will each have to give and take. It’s hard work and we need to put our trust and strength in the Lord to make it work. God set up marriage that we are suppose to serve the other, love each other like we love ourselves, and if the husband and wife does that than it will be a pretty happy marriage.

    Prayer works wonder. Keep praying for you future husband, and pray for yourself to be the wife your future husband is looking for.

    1. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts! I definitely agree that we need to stick to what the Bible says… however there are a lot of principles found in God’s Word that we can apply when considering a young man for courtship or marriage. I realize no young man is going to be perfect 🙂
      Yes, we definitely need to turn the lists around and focus on ourselves as well.. that is VERY important. Tomorrow’s post is going to be a list for young women, so no worries… I have already planned ahead for that 🙂
      Thank you for sharing! Also, thank you for the reminder that prayer is the most important part of preparation 🙂

    2. Celeste those are really good points! I know many girls who have thought of it just being happy, perfect and wonderful for the rest of their lives…and it is, as long as you have the reality check. I’ve known many who have just thought it would be so easy, and end up having marital problems because neither of them are perfect, but the young wife is actually clueless and disrespects her husband in many ways including (telling him how the money will be spent, mistreating him for being polite to other women, getting upset for his “anger,” yet getting just as upset themselves. There are a few things I have personally decided to stay out of before marriage (I’ve tried to work on it now because I don’t want to become overbearing on that subject, especially if I’m not the one earning, it’s not 100% my place.) We have our own financial set up before marriage, because at that point it’s not “ours.”…so I don’t ask him what he earns/spends/ and what he purchases, I’m just happy for him that he can do it before he’s married. I’ve told him the basics of how I feel about marital finances, such as paying the bills, saving some for emergencies and then being fair with spending money…I just know if I focus too much on things and get too picky I’d be a “nagging wife,” so I try to caution myself while courting, to refrain from being disrespectful about things that aren’t my place to change. It’s always something we need to caution ourselves with because you’re right, they have a list for us too! And coming across as self righteous or overbearing isn’t attractive to guys. There’s a line we must remember not to cross…. Plus I find most often, if “I” am the one who changes…the things I might get upset about become less of a problem, because my heart wasn’t right with God. I can have guidelines, but I just don’t want to set impossible standards that I become unhappy. I don’t disregard standards, but I also don’t want to try to change him to what I want him to be, he is who God made him to be. I don’t mind imperfections, it’s not all riding into the sunset, even courtships must be worked through and given the proper respect…I have change that needs to be done in me every day, I just need to focus on that and things become easier 🙂

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